What do confidence, panic, self-pity, and excitement have in common?
They all come from the same place.
One day, a client of mine (let's call her Sally) asked me for an emergency coaching session. Earlier that day, she had been told that she had been retrenched. "I'm in a terrible state," she managed to muster through her tears, clearly in a state of shock and confusion.
Upon sitting down in my office a few hours later, she burst into tears. Angry, frustrated, and scared out of her wits, Sally was firmly wedged between the proverbial rock and a hard place. And looking at her situation, I had to agree it was a tough one. I nearly got sucked into the story myself, but fortunately, knowing where our feelings come from, I quickly recognized the trap that most of us fall into and was able to snap out of it to a place of neutrality where I could be of service to her.
Same trap, different situation: something happens that worries, upsets, or annoys us. It's a random event and has no specific meaning in itself. It just is. The person involved gets caught in a thought storm (or "story," as I like to call it) driven by a state of panic or fear and somehow (sometimes) ends up drowning in a pool of negativity, self-pity, and hopelessness. From there, the downward spiral continues.
In her case, it was "What will I do?", "What if I can’t find a job?", "How will I survive / pay the bills / feed my kids?", and a whole lot more. We all do that at times. Triggered by an event (or person or thing), we weave a bunch of "what-ifs" in our minds and are tricked into believing that our thinking about what's happening is "reality"; that it’s indisputably real. And to top it all, we're the victim of our own terrifying outcomes.
That’s not to say that what is happening isn’t scary, upsetting or annoying, but our perceived "reality" about the situation is unique to us depending on our approach, filters, or frame of mind. Where there are many people involved, they might each have a very different "experience," even though the event is identical to all.
So, we end up on a roller coaster ride where our thoughts are in control and their interpretation or "meaning" of the event (or person or thing) results in how we feel. These feelings then are somehow able to predict what will happen in the future (the story or script that evolves) and we feel powerless about the inevitable outcome or worst-case scenario.
Seeing how lost she was in her own private thought storm, I was able to gently bring her back to the "here and now" where, after a short while, she became a little quieter and more present. Once she recognized what was happening, she was able to step out of the whirlwind of unwanted (and unpleasant) thoughts just enough to start considering a few options. And in that letting go, she could notice the little sparks of possibility emerging in her mind and listen to her own insight as to what to do next.
A saying that has become my slogan in life is this:
Something happens.
It means nothing (i.e., It's completely neutral).
We create a story about it.
That story becomes our reality.
Simple and effective, and a great reminder to help me get out of my own thought storms when I’m in the middle of one.
Over the next few weeks, the way events unfolded were:
• 2 days later... Sally called to report "feeling a lot better."
• 6 days later... she had her first job interview.
• 7 days later... "I have a job!", she shrieked with excitement. “And it’s even better than my previous role!”
Funny how life generally has the answers lined up if we can just let go of the "very important thinking" we're doing, get out of our own way, and let the natural flow of events unfold. If, like Sally (or anyone else), our feelings in any moment are coming from the thinking we’re having about what’s happening outside of us, and not the thing itself, isn’t it great to know that we have complete freedom to choose what and how we want to think, what we want to focus on, or what angle or perspective we want to take?
When you’re experiencing a feeling about something or someone in your life, by all means, feel it. If it gives you satisfaction, savor it. If feeling angry or annoyed is giving you some release, let it out (in your own space, of course. Shouting at other people is another story for another day).
But, if you’re feeling something that you don’t want to be feeling, it might be an option to first acknowledge it and then take a closer look at your thoughts about it and, if you want to change your experience, change your thinking. For example, if I’m feeling annoyed at my partner for arriving late to an appointment, I may want to tell them how annoyed I am; or, alternatively, I may want to change my thinking about it and drop the feeling (or both).
The wonderful thing about all of it is that we do have a choice. We get to decide how we want to think about anything.
No one can ever take that ultimate freedom away from us.
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