Since no one (no, not even your spouse, your BFF, or your own mother) sees the world, nor ever will see the world, exactly the way you do, it’s really important to be able to communicate very clearly; a lot more clearly than we ever learned in school or college.
Without crystal clear communication, there can be all kinds of misunderstandings (you've heard of the phrase, "broken telephone", right?).
How often do we get caught with “but you said …..!” or “oh no! I thought you meant ….”?
It doesn’t matter what the situation, context, surroundings, or the people involved, each of us has a different perspective on whatever is going on and we’re each creating our experience through our own thought process happening in the moment.
“Why can they not understand what I’m saying?” “Are they trying to be difficult?”, you wonder.
Luckily, no.
So let's take a look at what's really going on...
Humans are born with the ability to see, hear, touch, smell and taste (respecting, of course, that there are variations and degrees). Add to that the language, customs, value-sets and cultural environment we were raised in, throw in our ability to process thought, and also the way we can formulate sounds with our tongues and mouths to express those thoughts; and there you have it: a means of communicating our inner worlds to the people outside of us.
Through the words we use (as well as the tone and the body language that accompanies those; but those topics are for another day) we're able to convey exactly what's going on inside of us on any given day, in any given moment.
Simple, isn't it?
But here's the catch: we don't think in words, as such.
In their raw state, our thoughts are not in a form that makes logical sense. They are a mix of pictures, feelings, sounds, memories, beliefs, and past experiences – not to mention triggers - that all need translating, or "compiling" (in computer terminology) into a form that can be understood by others - i.e. through our physical expression and our use of language (words).
Just like the bits and bytes behind the computer screen we see, our thinking is neither visible nor decipherable to anyone outside of our own minds.
To get a message through to another, we must translate (compile) it, and then convey what we are seeing, hearing, feeling, and experiencing on the inside, through our chosen language. This is where we often botch it up so badly that the other person is left wondering what just happened, what exactly was agreed to, and why they're feeling so confused (or worse).
Whether it’s from a lack of skill (having never been taught) or laziness (having learned how to but not practicing our skill), many of us clearly struggle to communicate.
No wonder we don't always get our intended meaning across, or hear the message clearly. Although we can both see a little grey kitten with fluffy white paws and big blue eyes in front of us, it does not necessarily translate into the same level of “cuteness”. A rainy day is experienced differently for everyone, for reasons that we cannot "see" or "hear".
So, accepting that good communication is NOT the most natural thing in the world to us, how do we get by in spite of this “hiccup” in the human design (or is it?)?
One thing we can start with, is accept that people don't go out of their way to miscommunicate. No one tries to misunderstand the other. We all do our very best within the limitations of language (and the other factors mentioned) to communicate as clearly and articulately as we can.
Secondly, we can practice applying the language skills that we know work. We can be more conscious of the language we choose and we can be more observant when listening to others, to read between the lines, so to speak.
And, if you are looking to 10x your communication skills, here are six pointers to hone your language in a way that ensures your message gets through more clearly and eloquently so as to elicit the response you’re looking for (or as close to that as possible). After all, isn't that
At the end of the article, you’ll find a summarised checklist for quick reference which you can print out and stick up on your wall as a reminder. Like any useful tool, these tricks can only help you if you use them, and the only way to master the art is to practice.
*Note that all of these tips can be used for oneself (to correct your own thinking) and in your communication with others (to help get more clarity in what they're thinking and trying to convey).
The Six Keys to Crystal Clear Communication
Speak and think in the positive
If you are constantly talking (and thinking) about what you don't want – e.g. “My mother-in-law drives me crazy. I don’t even want to be around her and it really upsets my partner” or "I'm so broke! I'll never have enough money." - then that is what you will continue to experience.
A quick and easy way to turn this around is to reframe it through a question: “What do I want instead?”, i.e. do you want to have feelings of annoyance, frustration and anger or would you prefer to experience peace, harmony and a good relationship and/or more money?
That’s just the way it works – put your attention on something and it will grow.
So what is it that you want to grow?
There’s a saying that goes: “You cannot think about what you don’t want to think about without thinking about it”.
The same applies if you are communicating with someone else and they keep winding back into the negative (what they don't want), turn the conversation around with “what do you want instead” or “what would you rather have?".
That way, there will be a far better chance of a positive outcome.
Tip: You may need to ask that same question a few times to get the conversation heading in the direction of what the person does want, so keep asking the same or similar question.
A case in point:
Many years ago, I used to be anxious much of the time.
I worried about all kinds of things like what could go wrong, what should happen and why things are not turning out the way I wanted them to. After discovering this little “life hack”, it changed everything for me. Not overnight, mind you. I did have to keep reminding myself for a while, but once it became a habit, it was a game-changer.
And I still use it today. Any time I feel that familiar little knot in my stomach about something that I really don’t want to happen (i.e. worrying about stuff), I ask myself the question again:
“What would I rather have?” or "What do I want instead?"
2. Be more specific
How often have you misinterpreted a message or been misunderstood because you missed out on some of the detail?
While the person communicating may know exactly what they're saying, asking for, have agreed to, or promised, it’s because they have a very vivid “picture” of it through their ability to see, hear, and feel. If you were to ask me: "How was your weekend, Gill?", I might say "It was great, thanks!". In my mind, I could have vivid pictures of the people I saw, the food I ate, the activities I did, and the sounds, images and feelings that go with all of those.
Making any assumptions that the other person understands a fraction of the detail of what you see in your own rendition of it, helps neither the person communicating nor the one on the receiving end.
So, to make it easier for others to get what you’re saying, s-p-e-l-l it out!
Saying: “I’ll meet you at the exit after I’ve finished shopping” could leave you stranded for longer than you expected. Far better would be: “I’ll meet you at the exit next to cinema 2 on the ground floor. Let’s make it 4 pm?”.
There. All bases are covered and there is less room for a costly misunderstanding.
3. Give your senses expression
Because, as we've ascertained, it’s just not possible for anyone to be able to read your mind or see what’s being processed inside your head, it makes sense to include some of the sensory detail in your communication, i.e. what you experienced via your senses.
Describe the things you hear, see and feel about the topic in conversation, while you're telling them. Be there. As if you're still there and describe what you see ... the tastes, the sounds, the feelings, the colours, the size and shape of your description, all adds huge depth to the experience you're trying to convey.
While you can see pictures and images of the thing that you’re talking about, and even hear the sounds that go with it, they can’t … well, certainly not the same images and sounds as yours.
To become a great communicator, you need to practice elaborating on those images, sounds and feelings in your language.
Be very specific and include as many important details as possible. Answering the questions: “who, what, when, where, how exactly?” will help you to cover all bases.
4. Focus on things you can do something about
In Stephen Covey’s “Circle of Influence”, he talks about being clear on the things that you can control or at least influence, and then everything outside of that.
This step in our checklist reminds us to speak about those things we can do something about. Talking about things that are outside of our control or circle of influence is a great way to waste our time and energy – and that of everyone around us.
Examples of this could be the weather, paying taxes or that the local swimming pool closes early on a Saturday. Complaining about any of these could be very therapeutic but it's a never-ending conversation because there isn't really anything you can do about it.
There are better ways to use your time.
Ask the question: What's something I can do that is inside of my control or influence?
Rather than circling around things you can do nothing about, draw attention to what you can change, influence or control and spend your valuable time and energy on that.
5. Set your intention and keep on track
How many times have you had a conversation with someone to address a particular issue, but ended up miles away from where you started and no closer to the desired outcome?
To get the most out of a conversation, in your own mind at least, set the intention for the discussion before you even start.
This needs to be crystal clear in your own mind, i.e. “what do I want to walk away with from this interaction/conversation?”.
Then, at the start of the discussion, get the other(s) onto the same page by clarifying the purpose and the intended outcome of your discussion. If they don’t agree, you don't have to wait until the discussion is almost over to find out.
Keep the conversation on track. If they go off on a tangent, remind the other person by pointing back to the outcomes you stated up front.
6. Consider all impacts
The sixth and last pointer is to make sure that you check all the impacts, both positive and potentially negative, of the objective you’re trying to achieve.
Consider the “systemic” effects of your decisions or actions on other people.
Often, we make decisions or convey information without considering the full extent of the impacts further down the line, that, had we thought of before taking the action, could have been avoided.
For example, if we’ve agreed that one of us will do a side gig to bring in some much needed extra cash, have we thought about who will mind the children, do the grocery shopping and handle homework supervision?
Thinking about and talking about these consequences up front can save a lot of unnecessary disagreement further down the line.
Ask yourself: “Is there anyone I care about who might be negatively affected by this outcome?".
A Summarised Checklist for Well-Formed Communication
* Note: the above is only a guide and not a prescription of how to behave in all of your communication.
Bonus Tip: Where you are noticing issues in communication between you and someone you care about, try to highlight which communication errors are being made and then try to practice asking the questions to get more clarity.
Are you being specific enough? Are they? Can you use the Who, What, Where, When, How questions to ensure better communication between you? Are you focusing on what you don't want rather than what you do want? Are you clear about your objective?
Lastly, as with all "advice" that I give, the most important one is this:
Change starts with you.
Bringing some of these tweaks into your communication can pave the way for better communication all round. You might be surprised at how effective you can be at communicating.
Be willing to be the one to start, the one to take 51% responsibility for all your communication. Once you get the hang of it, your relationships could start to change for the better and you might never look back.
For a quick checklist on what to watch for in communication, along with questions to ask (of yourself or of others) when you spot a deviation, see the table below:
| Condition to check for: | Questions to ask if the condition is not met: |
1. | Is it stated in the positive? | What do you want instead? |
2. | Is it specific? | Who, What, Where, When, With Whom? |
3. | Is it sensory-based? | What will you see, hear, feel when you have achieved your outcome? |
4. | Is it in your control? | What can you do that is in your power to do? |
5. | Is the intention of my communication understood by others? | What do I need to say or ask or share to get them onto the same page? |
6. | Check ecology | The systemic impacts. If we achieve this outcome, will it be good for you and everyone you care about? |
If you'd like to find out more how to 10X your communication skills, book a FREE 30 minute Discovery Call with me, and let's see how I can help.
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