Much attention these days is given to the skills a leader needs to learn and apply as a daily habit to become increasingly more effective in their role.
While the models and frameworks, checklists and tools that are available these days have remarkable value to add in the variety of situations a leader might find themselves, it is easy to overlook the simplicity of three fundamental, yet highly underrated leadership skills.
The effective use of these three habits can make the world of difference for any leader, new, intermediate or seasoned, in terms of their level of influence and impact.
These three skills are:
1. Listening
2. Asking powerful questions
3. Connecting
1. Listening
“One of the greatest gifts you can give to anyone is the gift of attention” - Jim Rohn
Have you ever really been listened to?
If you have, you’ll know how incredibly uplifting it is to be given pure and undivided attention from another human being. It really is quite magical.
Whether that attention is coming from a parent, a colleague or a friend, in that moment that you’re being given the space to think, a single thought could spark an insight that could change things for the better. It provides the opportunity to “hear ourselves think” and with that comes new possibilities, clarity of thought and accountability for our decisions around that thought.
Why is that? Because it’s coming from within us, rather than being told to us from another person.
True listening is more than simply auditory though. Even more important than the “body language”, “eye contact” and “playing their words back to them” is that you are really “hearing” from the other person’s perspective. You are interested in their view of the world and/or the situation in play, you are fully present, and you are curious and open to hearing something fresh and new.
The best way (the only way) to really listen is when you have nothing else on your mind. Your full attention is in the present moment and on what the other person is communicating.
By truly listening, we are saying: “you matter” and: “I care about your opinion”.
What then does not listening say? You don’t matter? I don’t care about your perspective?
2. Asking powerful questions
“Your advice is not as good as you think it is.” - Michael Bungay Stanier, The Coaching Habit.
Asking powerful questions is the perfect partner for true listening.
When you ask someone a question and give them the space to really think about it, they will sometimes come up with an answer neither of you would have thought about previously.
A powerful question is one that evokes fresh ideas, clarity, insight and new options.
A powerful question does not elicit a “yes” or “no” answer.
Rather, a powerful, open question encourages a person to dip into their inner source of wisdom, often eliciting answers they didn’t even know were there!
From a stance of curiosity, a powerful question does not come with the anticipation of the asker’s answer, or the “right” answer. Instead, it enables the person to land upon a new level of problem-solving in a fertile environment for those “aha!” moments to surface.
A few examples of powerful questions might be:
● How do you really want it to be?
● What would an experiment look like?
● What’s already working for you?
● What would success look like?
● What other options do you have?
The real challenge for any leader though is that asking powerful questions is not our default setting. Stuck in the old mindset of believing we should know the answers ourselves – especially as a leader - it takes some effort and a lot of practice to become good at it.
The thing is, our people generally do have answers, ideas, suggestions and new options that, when we don’t ask, could remain where they always were – locked inside. It’s up to us to step outside of our own comfort zone and start asking and stop telling.
Knowing the right moment to ask a question is another piece of the puzzle, as is having the time and patience to listen well, but, with practice, it can become the most natural thing in the world.
There are a ton of benefits to anticipate from this new behaviour. Besides encouraging your people to elicit their best ideas and solutions to problems, increasing their confidence and letting them feel more valued, the added benefit of less telling and more asking is that it takes the load off you! It ultimately reduces their dependency on you and encourages their taking action and also their accountability for those actions.
Now, isn’t that worth the effort?
All it takes is self-awareness and a little practice of consciously holding back when you think you know the answer and asking a powerful question instead.
3. Connecting
Amid our day-to-day hustle and bustle at work, it’s very easy to forget that, above everything else, we are a bunch of human beings sharing our time and energy in our place of work. No matter what questions you’re asking or how deeply you are listening, the greatest impact we can have on another human being is quite simply - connection.
What does that mean?
It means that we see the other for who they are, acknowledge the contribution they bring and assume that they are equally worthy of our attention and focus. It helps too to believe that everybody always does the best they can, given what they know or don’t know at that time.
Since we’re all born with the natural skill (ever seen 2 babies interacting?), connecting with others isn’t something we have to learn. We might need to remember the “how” but the main thing that makes it hard to do sometimes is the constant chatter going on in our own heads.
Listening to our own thoughts about the other person while they’re talking to us, not being present when we’re with them and/or thinking we know better, are some ways to not connect.
Connecting with our peers and associates, our managers and our clients, goes a long way towards building trust and camaraderie and ultimately enhances people’s morale. It helps improve communication and opens doors for agreement, engagement and mutual accountability. It makes people feel good about themselves.
And what could be wrong about that?
A few questions for you about questions:
• What’s your favourite powerful question?
• In which situation could you use one of them going forward?
• What stops you from being an even better listener than you are now?
• What can you do to improve that?
So, you could say that what you’ve just read about refers to the skill of coaching and you may be quite right in that assumption. Of course there are many other skills, tools, competencies and mindsets that a coach learns on their path to mastery, but the three skills laid out above are pretty much what coaching is all about. It’s about helping their client to elicit their answers from within. Those are usually the best answers.
Three more thoughts to leave you with:
Listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give to anyone. Even ten minutes of pure listening is far more valuable to the other person than a full hour of your divided attention.
Asking questions feels harder than telling people what to do but there is no comparison to the result you could get if you were to ask a question instead.
Connection can happen anytime, anywhere, in silence or in conversation. It’s always there when we don’t break it.
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